January 2011
3 posts
Snooki is my favourite character from the Moomins.
my girlfriend bought enough christmas pudding to see us through a nuclear winter. by march i should be able to have a different pudding.
melons don’t care about the length of your manhood. they don’t judge. but try to avoid the ones with sharp pips in.
December 2010
4 posts
i’m gonna be sick like i’m in a G6.
i’m never going to drink again. i’m never going to drink again. i’m never going to drink again. just practising for tomorrow morning.
as soon as they incorporate a fleshlight into a bread making machine i’ll leave my partner. and have lots of salt dough.
my superpower is being able to conveniently forget what i agreed* with my girlfriend. *was forced to agree with.
November 2010
49 posts
i’m not saying she’s short, but i didn’t notice her until she walked under my microscope. i find she’s easier to pick up with a pipette.
all this practice has paid off, i’m an expert at breast stroke now. such is my sleight of hand, the police rarely get called.
there are that many people on this road wearing hi vis jackets… i don’t know who to runover.
i want to push my girlfriend around cliff top walks in a wheelchair. can you still get the old fashioned ones with temperamental brakes?
i found the gap between her two front teeth strangely alluring until she stuck a cigarette in it.
the closest i’ve come to sexting is when my girlfriend texted me “you have a big package.” turns out i’d just had a parcel delivered.
after a hot shower i like to slip into something more comfortable. but i keep getting my dragon kimono confused with my komodo dragon.
i feel sorry for the bone, always being picked on. and most people even admit to being bad to the bone.
colleague: “do we have a confidential waste paper bin.” me: “i’m afraid i can’t tell you.”
i’m ill in bed and asked my girlfriend to come upstairs and visit me… but she said NO, it’s not visiting hours yet.
my girlfriend has a rare medical condition and the only known cure is to complain about it all the time.
this new product has given me amazing root lift… i must try some in my hair.
RT @Lotay: “Drop tweets, not bombs.”
RT @mikey_m00n: My neighbor, Mr. Morse, is out in the yard with his wife Dot, and their son Dash.
do they have soap dishes in prison? they should have soap on a rope, with all that soap dropping in the showers. why are cons so careless?
there is justice in the world. those “cute little soaps” my girlfriend nicked from a hotel are fused to the soap dish, impossible to remove.
now i have to hold the soap dish and rub the contents of it over my body. this is difficult for some of the hard to reach places.
whenever i’m feeling down i just login to twitter and you guys… make me feel worse.
Jenna Jameson quit the porn industry for the sake of her twins.
Dick Van Dyke saved by porpoises after falling asleep on his surfboard… you can’t make these things up! were they cartoon porpoises?
i chased a cat off my lawn and it ran down my neighbour’s freshly cemented path. it now looks like a feline Hollywood Walk of Fame.
the models looked amazing in their winged costumes at the Victoria’s Secret show. too bad i didn’t have a bigger butterfly net.
the burglar who had a pc mouse up his bum had no problems making left and right button clicks but found it difficult moving the ball.
the burglar who stopped midway through his pilfering and shoved a pc mouse up his bottom MUST have a twitter account.
from the company that bought you Hall and Oates Cakes, we are pleased to introduce our Marc Almond Slices.
filling my tart, then i’ll do some cooking.
my girlfriend’s new magnetic fastening lingerie is playing havoc with my “compass”.
i’ve got a pilot’s licence… and i’m not giving it back to him. luckily he’s too drunk to notice.
RT @HollywoodKodiak: Word of the Day: Infilthinated. “Dolores wept bitter tears after the biker gang infilthinated her pristine floors w …
as i don my leather gloves on a frosty autumn morning, i’m overcome with the desire to strangle an unwitting victim or crack a safe.
my superpower is being able to block the most robust of toilets. my evil nemesis is Lou Brush.
i’m feeling a bit stressed so i’m off for a Hilary Swank.
RT @WadetoBlack: It’s hard not to feel like a creep standing outside the dressing rooms waiting for your wife. Especially when she’s ove …
famous giraffe killed by bolt of lightening. the dangers of being tall… and flying kites during thunderstorms.
my allergy to feathers cut short a promising career as a burlesque dancer.
girlfriend’s new hairstyle is a bit severe. i told her not to worry, it will grow out and she’ll find a new boyfriend less shallow than me.
#ff @HollywoodKodiak else he’ll unleash his army of zombie lemmings on yo ass. or be completely oblivious to you not following him.
it’s just as well my natural sea sponge is dead… all the scary places he has to go.
giving Mr Potato head… big sticky out ears.
i like girls, but i like boys too… oh look The Smiths’ new album.
#tweetyour16yearoldself
my envelope needs a good franking.
your sexy high heeled boots add an extra few extra inches to you… and me.
my cat has broken all records for the amount of poos he’s done in a single day. i’m nominating him for the Poolitzer
Prize.