in my mind

Snooki is my favourite character from the Moomins.

my girlfriend bought enough christmas pudding to see us through a nuclear winter. by march i should be able to have a different pudding.

melons don’t care about the length of your manhood. they don’t judge. but try to avoid the ones with sharp pips in.

i’m gonna be sick like i’m in a G6.

i’m never going to drink again. i’m never going to drink again. i’m never going to drink again. just practising for tomorrow morning.

as soon as they incorporate a fleshlight into a bread making machine i’ll leave my partner. and have lots of salt dough.

my superpower is being able to conveniently forget what i agreed* with my girlfriend. *was forced to agree with.

i’m not saying she’s short, but i didn’t notice her until she walked under my microscope. i find she’s easier to pick up with a pipette.

all this practice has paid off, i’m an expert at breast stroke now. such is my sleight of hand, the police rarely get called.

i want to push my girlfriend around cliff top walks in a wheelchair. can you still get the old fashioned ones with temperamental brakes?